Actually, my husband and I own five retirement communities - four in Kendall and one in Homestead. They include the Palace Suites, which is an Independent Living facility for people who are basically healthy; three levels of Assisted Living facilities, and a nursing home.
In answer to your question, there may be a time when it is best for someone to live at home with the assistance of a home health aide, or to move in with their children, but those times are rare. In almost every case, a retirement community is the best choice for someone getting on in years. I'd like to take you through my reasoning, and hope I can convince you.
We are living in an age of the "Graying of America," where through a combination of medical advances and healthier lifestyles people are living longer than ever before. Not only that, by and large they are in pretty good shape, mentally sharp and able to do many physical activities.
Entrepreneurs such as ourselves have responded to this. The stereotype of awful facilities of decades ago are rare today. For the most part, today's retirement communities are bright and cheerful, and the people living in them are happy, energetic and full of life. They range from plain to luxurious, but you can live in relatively luxury for less than you think. A luxurious retirement is not just for the rich.
We have nearly 1,000 seniors in our facilities. I believe that every single one is better off with us than with any other option. If you ask them, most will tell you three things:
- They wish they were still young and capable of doing all the things they did in their youth.
- Given that they are in their late 70's, 80's or even 90's and that their reflexes have slowed, they are pretty happy to be in a retirement community.
- "I wish I had done this sooner." Almost every one says that.
- In our society the car is our passport to independence. As we age and our reflexes slow and our eyesight isn't what it used to be, driving becomes dangerous. As people get older:
- They give up the car voluntarily.
- They know they should give up the car, but stubbornly refuse.
- They have a few accidents and the state takes away their license.
- Worried children steal the keys and sell the car.
A person without a car has limited options living in their own home. They can walk to shopping and friends (but walking any distance is becoming more difficult), spend money and time waiting for cabs, become an impossible burden on their children, or just sit at home and wait for visitors.
Increasingly, they sit at home. The other options become just too troublesome. Friends die or move to retirement communities. Maybe the neighborhood is changing. So people sit at home and watch TV or look out the window, waiting for children and grandchildren to call or visit. That's a sad picture, isn't it?
Then the children suggest that an aide come in every day to help. Maybe the elderly person begins to have trouble with some of the basics of life - even minor problems like no longer being able to bend over to put on socks or shoes, or an inability to step in and out of the tub without assistance, become terrible obstacles.
Now the elderly person is faced with having a stranger intrude on their privacy, touching breakable treasures. Maybe she will even steal something! Or that's the common fear.
Since Mom is still unhappy, next the children suggest that Mom come and live with them. Everybody is smiling, but in all probability:
a. The child and his or her family really worry that Mom's presence will upset the family's daily hectic lifestyle. As much as they love Mom, they may be uncomfortable with the thought of the "good old days" where three and four generations shared a roof. Will Mom forget to turn off the stove and burn down the house?
b. Mom isn't happy about the prospect, either. She may have grown up in a house with grandparents under the same roof, but she has been running her own household for a long time. Moving in with her children represents a loss of privacy and independence. She has to live by her daughter's (or, worse, daughter-in-law's) rules. Besides, the one thing every older person hates more than anything is the prospect of being a burden on his or her children.
So, really, when somebody is 80, no longer can drive, and needs help putting on his or her shoes, what are the options?
As I said in the beginning, I believe that the retirement community is the only viable option in almost every situation. You can choose, if you wish, to consider it the "best choice among distasteful options," but I would argue that it's not a distasteful option at all.
Think of the people wasting away in their homes, staring out the window. Or living with their children in a fancy neighborhood, miles from any other 80-year-old, dependent on the children and grandchildren for mobility. That's terrible! There's no need for that!
In a retirement community they can have:
- Privacy in their own apartment.
- People to talk to and interact with just by stepping outside their door (and even romance, if they're in the market for that.)
- Activities to keep them mentally sharp and physically in shape.
- Meals, housekeeping, maintenance, utilities, etc.
- Entertainment.
- A safe and secure environment.
- Help in their activities of daily living available just outside their door.
- Access to prompt assistance in a medical emergency.
- Transportation to malls, supermarkets, doctor's offices, and planned outings to such places as movies, theaters and restaurants.
They can be close enough to their children for regular visits, weekend stays, and spending holidays together, but not living under the same roof.
The people in a good retirement community, even the ones in wheelchairs, are very much alive. They are having fun, and they look forward to the future. These people in their 80's and 90's are laughing and telling jokes. (Not all of them clean, by the way!) They are very different than the stereotype of old people. They may feel they have to act mature around the children, but not among themselves!
Yes, most have some physical limitations, but they live life to the fullest. They are as independent as it is possible to be, and they are pleased and proud that they are not burdens on their children. They all say: "My children don't worry so much about me anymore!"
So why is it so hard to convince an older person to move to a retirement community? Why do people like you think of it as a last resort rather than the best option?
Part of it, I think, is the terrible reputation that "old age homes" used to have. We try to find new words to describe the new reality. We call these "retirement communities" today. But still I think it will take years for the public to understand that it's very different today.
When you hear people say, "I don't want to live with old people," they just haven't seen how young at heart old people can be. Once they experience a quality retirement community, it makes an impact.
But we have great difficulty in getting people to even come and look. We try to work through the children. If we can get an elderly person to visit, they see that the people who live here regain some of their youthful spirit.
Then when the visitor goes home, the contrast of what they've experienced compared to the life they are living starts to wear on them. It may takes months, but once they experience a quality retirement community, eventually they will want to be a part of it.
So if you are struggling with trying all the alternatives to keep an aging parent from going into a retirement community, stop struggling! You're keeping your parent from the best option!
Helen Shaham and her husband Jacob have been operating retirement communities for nearly 30 years. The Palace Suites in Kendall is a luxury Independent Living Community for active seniors. In addition, The Palace at Kendall campus is home to two Assisted Living Residences and a Nursing & Rehab Center. They also operate The Palace Gardens Assisted Living Community in Homestead, Homestead Manor Nursing Home and The Palace @ Home, a Medicare Certified Home Health Agency. Their two newest projects are The Palace at Weston - luxury living for those 55 and over, and The Palace Tel-Aviv, a continuing care retirement community in Israel. They have two communities under development - The Palace at Weston Senior Living and The Palace at Coral Gables. More information can be found on the company website, www.thepalace.org or by calling 305-270-7000.
